Maybe I'm just tired from getting up at 5am, but I think it's more than that.
Today was our second clinical day. Last Tuesday we went to a nursing home and I was assigned to the dementia/alzheimers area. Our assignment for the day was to do orientation and to meet patients and to begin the process of establishing therapeutic communication. I never felt comfortable although I did fine and by the time I left I couldn't wait to get out of there. Even though it's a very nice place, to me it is a sad place and I knew deep inside that is not my calling. I'll do my time there and do what I can to learn all I can and be as kind and loving as I can be, but I really don't look forward to it. I don't know why I don't like it there, but I think it is because I hate that these people have lost almost everything. They are near the end of their lives and even if they can remember anything, mostly they seem to not be very happy. They can't bathe themselves, go to the bathroom without help, or even feed themselves in a lot of cases. If there is anything left of their memory, they must be aware of their helplessness and that is soooo sad. There were not many smiles, but the look of distrust of strangers. I will do all I can do to give them the dignity they deserve and see if maybe I can reach a few of them and bring a smile, if only for a minute, because sadly, I probably be forgotten quickly.
But today was very different. We went to a home for disabled children and I had a pretty good idea of what we were going into.....or at least I thought I did. There was no real fear of the facility, or even a fear of giving my first injections, just an aggravation initially about getting there late even though I had planned in 45 minutes of extra time in case of traffic which we unfortunately encountered. Once we had drawn up our syringes with the proper amount of medication and were taken to the units to give the children their PPD's, I really felt fine.
My first child was a one year old and oh my goodness! She was precious. Her name is Laniya and she had a tracheotomy tube. She was laying in her crib watching TV when we walked in. I gave her the injection which, of course, made her cry, but it was so amazing to hold her and cuddle her and soothe her hurts away. I have thought of her on and off all day wondering about what put her in this place and is this where she will live her whole life?
I helped with a teenage boy who was pretty resistant to getting his injection by holding his arm but I realized just by talking with him and making eye contact I was able to have him respond to me and I felt I saw trust in him. God bless him, I'm sure he will live in a place like this for his entire life.
There was a little girl in one of the rooms we went in who had recently been fed. She was severely mentally handicapped and I heard her burp behind me...you know, the kind of wet burp that says, "The baby just spit up!" I turn to her and went over and it was as natural to wipe her mouth with her bib as it would have been to do it for my own child.
The next child I gave an injection to was, again a young teenage boy I would guess by his size, but he was severely physically and mentally handicapped. I approached his bed to confirm he was my patient and said hello. He really couldn't communicate with me, but amazingly I noticed his sheets that were WWF (World Wrestling Federation)...I know this because I had boys, not because I ever watched that mess! BUT, thank goodness I did know it because when I said to this boy how I loved his sheets and asked if he was a big wrestling fan, I didn't get much. Then I noticed his pillow and asked him if he liked John Cena (I think I spelled that right) who was a big star in that sport and all of a sudden his entire face broke out in a smile. It was as though the sun came out in his room in that moment and I knew I had made that connection. I finished what I was doing and then we left him, but I know I carried that boy in my heart when I left his room today.
I really didn't think about it too much until Mrs Ruff (my instructor) asked me when we walked back what I want to do as a nurse when I graduate. For so long I have wanted to do pediatrics but have tried to console myself that because of my age that opportunity may be behind me, but I told her the desire of my heart and she said, "I can see you there". Just that simple statement meant so much to me because it is further confirmation that I am on the right path. All day these words and the children's faces have been going through my mind and tears have flowed like rain because I know I can go to these children and bathe them, feed them, mop up spit or wipe their bottoms and it's fine because these children came into this world and through no fault of their own have to live this life. They haven't learned unkindness and aren't angry or cynical like a lot of the people I met last week. You can make a girl smile just by saying the name "Justin Bieber".
Both facilities we have worked are wonderful, clean places, but what makes one a chore and one a pleasure is me. I have to learn to find the joy in giving to these older folks too because it's not about me. It's about making a difference in whatever environment I am in at the time. There is something I can learn from each person if I search for it and I'm grateful for the opportunity.
I'd better get back to the books. Another test tomorrow and I've got to get to it..
