Just finished week four

I am so mad at myself!  I am soooooo into this and loving the learning process.  I have great study habits and good test strategies, but I am making some really dumb errors.  I took my first drug dose calculations test yesterday and walked out of the room so happy.  I was smiling knowing I had totally aced the test.  Then I got home after volunteering in the ED last night, logged in to see my grade and, "OH MY GOD, how in the world did I get a 78?"  After reviewing it in my mind I thought, did I forget to do an entire page, so I write my teacher and guess what....I FORGOT TO DO AN ENTIRE FREAKING PAGE!  My dumb ass didn't look back over the test because I was so worried I was going to be tempted to change an answer that I just turned it in.  I have never done that before (and I'm sure I'll never do it again), but DAMN!  I pissed away the opportunity to get a 100!
It seems every time I have to do return demonstrations or when I have to show what I know, I do something to undermine my success and I am just so mad at myself.  I am a better student than this and I have way more potential than I am showing.
My question for myself is this, "Why am I letting the people who always told me that I wasn't smart win?"  I know better now.  Isn't it just awful how negative self talk can hurt you?  I have always believed that the only person who limits you is you.  If this is the case, why am I letting myself lose and win at the same time?  I have got to get a handle on this right now because there are no do overs.  One more dumb move like that and I could be out of it for good.  I think I may have to get some Xanax!

Nursing skills terror

Okay, so I studied my butt off all weekend and walked into class today feeling pretty good.  They broke us down in groups of two to do our Return Demonstrations on Temperature, Pulse and Respirations.  It's always a little disconcerting knowing someone is hanging on your every word to see if you are going to miss a critical element that will derail your progress through the program, but I felt pretty good.....UNTIL....I was put into a group with a girl who was not prepared.  She was nervous and I could find her pulse, but I couldn't keep it long enough to know for sure I could count it for a full 30 seconds.  I had two other girls listen too, and they both said while it had a regular rhythm, it was faint.  Well my little negative devil (sits on my left shoulder) kept telling me, "You are not going to be able to do this."  The angel on my right tried to keep me calm, but that little bastard on the left screamed so loud at me I paid him too much attention.  Next thing I know, my pulse is racing, I'm sweaty, my BP was up and with an hour til test time I had really revved myself up.  I went in to do the return Demo and passed it, but with one minor flaw.  Thank God the teachers gave me grace on this one, but I have got to learn some calming techniques so this does not happen again.  Next week is Apical Pulse and Blood pressure.  I think I can find both, but I just need to learn the steps.  Dumb ass me left my skills book in the classroom, so I hope it's there tomorrow.  Good God, what's next?  (probably shouldn't say that out loud)
Now on a positive note.  I feel like I am bonding overall with some of my classmates.  Not yet in "Best Friend" mode, but I feel a mutual respect building and I can tell I'm really going to need the support.
I'm looking forward to class tomorrow, to my volunteer night in the ER.  I've been away for the last two weeks and I've missed doing my thing.  I'm hoping maybe they will let me take some temps, do some BP's etc so that I can get some practice.  I'm hoping as well that I don't have to deal with the one nurse guaranteed to make me crazy.  Dear Lord, if you love me at all, please give me a good day and help the phone to ring with some business before we go broke.  Love you, Darlene....

Until the next entry, may I stay sane!  

I've been absent

School is progressing along.  I am a little overwhelmed right now because I have so much to do between now and Tuesday, but I think I can manage that.  One of the reasons I've been absent is we had Hurricane Irene and although we went away, we came back to a mess.  We've been home 5 days now, but things are still in turmoil around here.  I can't seem to catch up on the stuff I have to do for school because of all the stuff I have to do because of the Hurricane.  Somehow we will get through this but now we have another hurricane heading this way and we might have to evacuate by Thursday for that one.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself because overall we are fine, but it's just that you wonder sometimes, why can't we just catch a break.  Business is almost non-existent so far for this month and we just had the worst business month we have had in 14 years.  Please God, hear my cry and be faithful to meet our needs.  I'm scared right now and I need your comfort.  Sorry to sound so pitiful, but today is the day I am throwing myself a pity party.  I'll try to be over it by tomorrow.