Today was clinical day at a disabled children's home

Maybe I'm just tired from getting up at 5am, but I think it's more than that.

Today was our second clinical day.  Last Tuesday we went to a nursing home and I was assigned to the dementia/alzheimers area.  Our assignment for the day was to do orientation and to meet patients and to begin the process of establishing therapeutic communication.  I never felt comfortable although I did fine and by the time I left I couldn't wait to get out of there.  Even though it's a very nice place, to me it is a sad place and I knew deep inside that is not my calling.  I'll do my time there and do what I can to learn all I can and be as kind and loving as I can be, but I really don't look forward to it.  I don't know why I don't like it there, but I think it is because I hate that these people have lost almost everything.  They are near the end of their lives and even if they can remember anything, mostly they seem to not be very happy.  They can't bathe themselves, go to the bathroom without help, or even feed themselves in a lot of cases.  If there is anything left of their memory, they must be aware of their helplessness and that is soooo sad.  There were not many smiles, but the look of distrust of strangers.  I will do all I can do to give them the dignity they deserve and see if maybe I can reach a few of them and bring a smile, if only for a minute, because sadly, I probably  be forgotten quickly.

But today was very different.  We went to a home for disabled children and I had a pretty good idea of what we were going into.....or at least I thought I did.  There was no real fear of the facility, or even a fear of giving my first injections, just an aggravation initially about getting there late even though I had planned in 45 minutes of extra time in case of traffic which we unfortunately encountered.  Once we had drawn up our syringes with the proper amount of medication and were taken to the units to give the children their PPD's, I really felt fine.

My first child was a one year old and oh my goodness!  She was precious.  Her name is Laniya and she had a tracheotomy tube.  She was laying in her crib watching TV when we walked in.  I gave her the injection which, of course, made her cry, but it was so amazing to hold her and cuddle her and soothe her hurts away.  I have thought of her on and off all day wondering about what put her in this place and is this where she will live her whole life?

 I helped with a teenage boy who was pretty resistant to getting his injection by holding his arm but I realized just by talking with him and making eye contact I was able to have him respond to me and I felt I saw trust in him.  God bless him, I'm sure he will live in a place like this for his entire life.

There was a little girl in one of the rooms we went in who had recently been fed.  She was severely mentally handicapped and I heard her burp behind me...you know, the kind of wet burp that says, "The baby just spit up!"  I turn to her and went over and it was as natural to wipe her mouth with her bib as  it would have been to do it for my own child.

 The next child I gave an injection to was, again a young teenage boy I would guess by his size, but he was severely physically and mentally handicapped.  I approached his bed to confirm he was my patient and said hello.  He really couldn't communicate with me, but amazingly I noticed his sheets that were WWF (World Wrestling Federation)...I know this because I had boys, not because I ever watched that mess!  BUT, thank goodness I did know it because when I said to this boy how I loved his sheets and asked if he was a big wrestling fan, I didn't get much.  Then I noticed his pillow and asked him if he liked John Cena (I think I spelled that right) who was a big star in that sport and all of a sudden his entire face broke out in a smile.  It was as though the sun came out in his room in that moment and I knew I had made that connection.  I finished what I was doing and then we left him, but I know I carried that boy in my heart when I left his room today.

I really didn't think about it too much until Mrs Ruff (my instructor) asked me when we walked back what I want to do as a nurse when I graduate.  For so long I have wanted to do pediatrics but have tried to console myself that because of my age that opportunity may be behind me, but I told her the desire of my heart and she said, "I can see you there".  Just that simple statement meant so much to me because it is further confirmation that I am on the right path.  All day these words and the children's faces have been going through my mind and tears have flowed like rain because I know I can go to these children and bathe them, feed them, mop up spit or wipe their bottoms and it's fine because these children came into this world and through no fault of their own have to live this life.  They haven't learned unkindness and aren't angry or cynical like a lot of the people I met last week.  You can make a girl smile just by saying the name "Justin Bieber".

Both facilities we have worked are wonderful, clean places, but what makes one a chore and one a pleasure is me.  I have to learn to find the joy in giving to these older folks too because it's not about me.  It's about making a difference in whatever environment I am in at the time.  There is something I can learn from each person if I search for it and I'm grateful for the opportunity.

I'd better get back to the books.  Another test tomorrow and I've got to get to it..

We are in week 10

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've had time to get back here.  I've done a lot of things in my 51 years, but I have to say that this ranks up there with the hardest experiences in my life.  When I first started and I got to wear my scrubs to my first lab I was excited, confident and prepared and now I have gotten to the point where I almost dread Tuesdays.  They are long, and full of anxiety.  I have not doubted myself the way I do now in a long time, and I don't like it.  Most of us in the class are either ticked off or on the verge of tears all the time. It is just SO MUCH and the pressure of that stupid "80" just sits there like a buzzard constantly circling over it's prey.  Unfortunately we have all come to the realization that our straight A's have seen their end and now we just pray for anything over an 80.  We are losing people already, some are not that surprising, but one in particular has been a shock.  I guess it just goes to show that book smarts aren't all that you need to be successful.  This week we face a major test and our mid-term demonstration.  We have to score at least an 80% proficiency on that or we cannot go to the nursing home and this grade determines 45% of our final grade, so no pressure, you know????  I think I'm going to be okay, but I am so dizzy from this medication I am on that I hope I can hold it together.  Medication, you say?  Oh yeah, that's something you don't know about.  After my injections demonstration two weeks ago in which I was shaking like a leaf during, sweat rolling down my face because of hot flashes and stress and my BP shot up to 160/78, I determined that I am powerless against this stressor in my life and I went to the doctor and asked for meds to help me.  They have driven me to drugs now!!!!  I sure hope these suckers kick in before I have to do my demo on Tuesday.
If however I can score in the 90's for my test on Monday, I'll be half done with the testing for that class (I completed my Nur 100 class and passed that one by the way because I scored high on the last two test)  and if I can get through my demo on Tuesday, I'll feel pretty good about making it.  There are 6 weeks left to go and I'm still here as of right now.
Back to the books and another update will be forthcoming as soon as I can get around to it.  Wish me luck and better yet, pray for me!

Just finished week four

I am so mad at myself!  I am soooooo into this and loving the learning process.  I have great study habits and good test strategies, but I am making some really dumb errors.  I took my first drug dose calculations test yesterday and walked out of the room so happy.  I was smiling knowing I had totally aced the test.  Then I got home after volunteering in the ED last night, logged in to see my grade and, "OH MY GOD, how in the world did I get a 78?"  After reviewing it in my mind I thought, did I forget to do an entire page, so I write my teacher and guess what....I FORGOT TO DO AN ENTIRE FREAKING PAGE!  My dumb ass didn't look back over the test because I was so worried I was going to be tempted to change an answer that I just turned it in.  I have never done that before (and I'm sure I'll never do it again), but DAMN!  I pissed away the opportunity to get a 100!
It seems every time I have to do return demonstrations or when I have to show what I know, I do something to undermine my success and I am just so mad at myself.  I am a better student than this and I have way more potential than I am showing.
My question for myself is this, "Why am I letting the people who always told me that I wasn't smart win?"  I know better now.  Isn't it just awful how negative self talk can hurt you?  I have always believed that the only person who limits you is you.  If this is the case, why am I letting myself lose and win at the same time?  I have got to get a handle on this right now because there are no do overs.  One more dumb move like that and I could be out of it for good.  I think I may have to get some Xanax!

Nursing skills terror

Okay, so I studied my butt off all weekend and walked into class today feeling pretty good.  They broke us down in groups of two to do our Return Demonstrations on Temperature, Pulse and Respirations.  It's always a little disconcerting knowing someone is hanging on your every word to see if you are going to miss a critical element that will derail your progress through the program, but I felt pretty good.....UNTIL....I was put into a group with a girl who was not prepared.  She was nervous and I could find her pulse, but I couldn't keep it long enough to know for sure I could count it for a full 30 seconds.  I had two other girls listen too, and they both said while it had a regular rhythm, it was faint.  Well my little negative devil (sits on my left shoulder) kept telling me, "You are not going to be able to do this."  The angel on my right tried to keep me calm, but that little bastard on the left screamed so loud at me I paid him too much attention.  Next thing I know, my pulse is racing, I'm sweaty, my BP was up and with an hour til test time I had really revved myself up.  I went in to do the return Demo and passed it, but with one minor flaw.  Thank God the teachers gave me grace on this one, but I have got to learn some calming techniques so this does not happen again.  Next week is Apical Pulse and Blood pressure.  I think I can find both, but I just need to learn the steps.  Dumb ass me left my skills book in the classroom, so I hope it's there tomorrow.  Good God, what's next?  (probably shouldn't say that out loud)
Now on a positive note.  I feel like I am bonding overall with some of my classmates.  Not yet in "Best Friend" mode, but I feel a mutual respect building and I can tell I'm really going to need the support.
I'm looking forward to class tomorrow, to my volunteer night in the ER.  I've been away for the last two weeks and I've missed doing my thing.  I'm hoping maybe they will let me take some temps, do some BP's etc so that I can get some practice.  I'm hoping as well that I don't have to deal with the one nurse guaranteed to make me crazy.  Dear Lord, if you love me at all, please give me a good day and help the phone to ring with some business before we go broke.  Love you, Darlene....

Until the next entry, may I stay sane!  

I've been absent

School is progressing along.  I am a little overwhelmed right now because I have so much to do between now and Tuesday, but I think I can manage that.  One of the reasons I've been absent is we had Hurricane Irene and although we went away, we came back to a mess.  We've been home 5 days now, but things are still in turmoil around here.  I can't seem to catch up on the stuff I have to do for school because of all the stuff I have to do because of the Hurricane.  Somehow we will get through this but now we have another hurricane heading this way and we might have to evacuate by Thursday for that one.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself because overall we are fine, but it's just that you wonder sometimes, why can't we just catch a break.  Business is almost non-existent so far for this month and we just had the worst business month we have had in 14 years.  Please God, hear my cry and be faithful to meet our needs.  I'm scared right now and I need your comfort.  Sorry to sound so pitiful, but today is the day I am throwing myself a pity party.  I'll try to be over it by tomorrow.

3 days to go

I'm expecting to be able to open up my classes tomorrow so that I can figure print of things I will need, find out where my classes are etc, so I finished my book today and now I have realized I just HAVE to see the movie, and will go tomorrow.
 There is so much that has to be done tomorrow and Sunday though.  I have to clean and pack the camper since there will be no time to do that after school starts, grocery shop and prepare things to take with us, iron my clothes and pack them, and get some food in the house for Nathan to eat while we are gone.
Sunday night will be early to bed because the madness begins.  This is going to be a slow week though so it will give us time to work out the details of how to adjust our schedule .  We'll just have to deal with the fact there might not be extra money this week.  Tuition and books killed us this month, but things usually work out somehow so I am going to try to now be too stressed over it.  LOL....me, not getting stressed?  Hmmm...I'm thinking it's a good plan, but not too realistic.
It's 9:13 on a Friday night and all I can think about is sleep, so I think I'll give into that thought so that when morning arrives I'll be ready to tackle my chores.  Gosh, it's a bitch to be responsible.  I remember when 9:13 was when we were just starting to crank up...  Goodnight blogger world...

Last books arrived and I've got my car pass

Those were the last things I needed before school starts.  I guess Blackboard will open on Saturday and I'll be able to get the syllabus' from all my classes so I can start reading ahead and be ready for Monday.  In the meantime I started reading "The Help" which is my last "for fun" book I'll read for awhile.  Boy, do my emotions swing from high to low on this one.  One minute I'm laughing my butt off as I feel as though I'm eavesdropping on a conversation between Aibeleen and Minny and the next I am fighting mad at Mrs. Leefolt or Hilly.  Don saw me wiping tears and he said to me, "It's just a book," but I know better.  This may be fiction but it happened to so many and I am so ashamed and sad about that.  I grew up in a place where the "N" word is still widely used and I've said it myself...let's not pretend otherwise.  I'm 51 years old, raised in the south and so ashamed of that.  I can't justify it, but I've also called some illiterate white people "rednecks", been pissed off by Asians who can't drive worth a damn, and shook my head at the kids from the Jersey shore and called them, white trash.  Bottom line is there must be something in me that thinks I am smarter or somehow better than other people.  I doubt if I'm alone.  I'm sure there are those who look at me and think "fatty" or "grandma".  Maybe we are all made this way a little.  I hope so because then I'll know I'm not alone in my prejudices.  I can say, in my defense, that I fight each day to not allow myself to think these things and feel ashamed when I do. Maybe the best we can do is to keep trying.