Okay, 8 days away from my first day and driving myself crazy. It's been a long journey to get to now, so in order for you to know me, let my tell you my back story.
As a child being raised by a mom who never graduated from high school, education was not one of the priorities of her life. I was born in 1960 and at that time young women were attending high school, but many of my classmates chose to get married right away instead of pursuing a career outside the home. I remember in elementary school doing spelling homework and math and things like that, but for the most part there was no structure in my home with regards to school work. My grades, as a result were not that good. Once I reached high school, it was even worse because it was harder to just listen in school and do alright. You had to study and I never had. To further worsen the situation, I had a father who never failed to let me know I was stupid. In a kids mind when you are told you are stupid, then you are stupid. Why even bother trying if you are stupid, right? So when I got the grades of a stupid person, I wasn't all that surprised by it even though I should have been able to draw a correlation between the "not studying"....."bad grade" thing.
So when it was time to graduate, all I wanted to do was get out of school and find a husband who wouldn't treat me the way my dad did. Well, that didn't go as planned either. Two years later I married someone pretty much like him who, himself, was very smart and seemed to enjoy making me feel bad about myself.
In spite of that, and because I was a hard worker, I found that whenever I put my mind into doing something I would do it very well. Little by little my confidence grew and even though I got nothing at home, I gave what I had to my work and in volunteer positions where I would receive praise. After the birth of my first son in 1981, I began to teach others Lamaze and would go to the hospital and labor with them until their baby was born. This gave me such joy and the doctors and nurses at the hospital would all tell me what a gift I had to work with their patients. They were the first people to tell me I had the heart of a nurse. I felt they were right, but there was one thing standing in my way....school. I was too stupid to be able to get through college, so I couldn't see myself ever achieving that goal.
Fast forward to 1993. The birth of my fourth son as the catalyst that pushed me. Three hours after his seemingly normal birth he was on life support and going down fast! The first two-three weeks of his life were a nightmare no mother should ever have to live through, but as I stayed with him for hours and hours in intensive care, I was told again and again by the staff that I would make an excellent nurse, but put them off because my same fears that had plagued me for years continued to follow and haunt me. It was not until months later when we were asked to appear on the Children's Miracle Network telethon and I was watching the programming that my heart took a turn. They told the story of Joanna, a little girl who had that same look of death about her that my Nathan had, who took my fear away. Joanna was not as lucky as my son...she died. Not because she didn't have parents who loved her and were there for her the way I was for my son, but because she was so sick her body just couldn't take it. There were, however, many babies who never had a mommy by their side to hold them, to touch them, to wash the ultrasound goo out of their hair after a brain scan, to help keep them fighting when their little bodies were tired of fighting any more.
My decision was made that day. My fears meant less to me than all those babies who needed me and I enrolled in community college the next week. Do you know the most amazing thing I learned? I wasn't stupid after all. I had determined that no matter what I had to do, grades were going to be a priority and of course my children as well. My first semester, I got all A's and my confidence began to grow although I had no support system at home and my husband made it as hard as he possibly could on me to succeed. That just made me dig my heels in deeper. I could do this and when I did it was my way out of a horrible marriage because I would be able to support my children.
I hit a detour in January of 1996 when it became obvious that my marriage could not last any longer. School had to go on the back burner. I had children, ages, 14, 11, 6, and 2 who needed the stability of a mom to put their world back together, and I thought I would be able to get back to it quickly but that just didn't happen. I remarried in May of 1998, started a business in September of 1998 and although I knew there was an unfinished chapter in my life, I had to finish the mom thing before I could take on anything else. Two years ago, I knew that my youngest was almost out of high school and it would be a good time to go back. I had to re-take some of my prerequisite classes because of the time that had gone by, but it felt so good to be back.
Fast forward to today. My youngest son graduated in June and now here I am about to embark on something that I am told is very difficult at best. I have a plan though. My plan is to find at least 4 hours a day to study, although some days I will have more time. I still have to run my business, so I will now get up at 4:00am in order to do 2 and 1/2 hours of work before I leave for school. I will go to school from 8:00am- 2:00pm on Mon, Tues and Wed. If I can be home and at my desk by 5:00pm on school days, then I can study until 9:00 pm and then sleep from 9:00pm- 4:00am the next morning. Thursday and Fridays will be normal work days from 7:00am until we are done. I will try to be at my desk on those days by 5pm as well, although I plan to only study on Thursday's until 9:00pm so that I can watch "Grey's Anatomy" and "Private Practice". This will be my treat! Weekends will have more study time in preparation for the week ahead since I will have this time without work. My plan is to try to give myself somewhere between 30-35 hours a week to study and just hope this will be enough.
All these questions rumble through my brain....can I handle this schedule? Can my husband handle the extra load he is going to have to carry with me not being as present as I normally am. (We work together, you see?) Can he handle the extra responsibilities around the house because I won't have the time to pitch in like I normally do? Can we still generate enough income to survive and pay the additional expenses of my schooling? I sure hope the answer to these questions is yes, but I guess one day at a time will be how we will have to play this out. It's only two years with breaks in between and when you are 51, two years is a flash. I dread it and welcome it because I have wanted this for so long. Dear God, don't make me sorry that I got what I prayed for!
Exciting times ahead Darlene....you can do it!!
ReplyDeleteHey Darlene I am SO proud of you!! You can do it!! As I tell my kids, "do your best, and let God do the rest!!" I will be praying for you and your peace of mind everyday. Thank you for including me in your blog! Love you girlfriend!!
ReplyDeleteBoy, it's been a long, long time since I've written. I've calmed down a lot about failing and realize since there is only 2 weeks left in my first year and I'm still here, chances are I'm going to make it. My second semester was still a lot of work, but we are finally taking care of people and putting our actions to work, so I'm starting to feel more like a nurse.
ReplyDeleteMy first 5 weeks were Psych nursing and that was really interesting. I had always thought crazy people were just crazy, but found out how wrong I was. Sadly, most of these people have a disease process worse than cancer. At least with cancer you have a choice to be cured or either you get to die. These poor folks live in a kind of hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Their disease process is never cured; only managed. I never thought I could do this type of nursing, but now I know that I could. I used to get really upset when people would plead not guilty by reason of insanity as a defense for killing someone, but came face to face with a man who used this defense and won. Had he pleaded something different his attorney may have been able to get him downgraded to 2nd degree murder, involuntary manslaughter, self-defense, etc. With some of those charges and as a first time offender he might not have seen more than a year in jail. Instead, he has spent more than 20 years in institutions and had disappointment after disappointment each time he goes before the courts WITH recommendations from psychiatrists that he is ready to re-enter society because he had done the work to get out. Chances are he may never see a life outside the locked doors of his pod over one act that was probably an incident of PTSD after his tour in Vietnam. When we finished our 5 weeks there, I hated leaving because I knew I would never know if he had made it out. That was unexpected.
The second 5 weeks was Med/Surg nursing. Thank God, I had Mrs. Fuller for my clinical hours because she was wonderful. We were really allowed to get as many experiences as we possibly could and surprisingly I loved it. I wiped butts and washed dried skin from between peoples toes, and the whole time instead of focusing on the aspects that are gross, I focused on trying to keep the patient talking and laughing with me instead of focusing on their own helplessness. When they would point out how much they hated being helpless, I could somehow find something to say that gave them a viewpoint that restored their dignity. In doing so and by giving them someone to talk to, I made their day better and that made me feel great about me.
My third 5 weeks is maternal nursing and of course this has always been my first love. I found out this past Tuesday that I haven't lost my touch and labored with a patient who was 2cm until she delivered. (16 hours) I got to be there for the delivery because when it was time for me to go, the family and the attending RN asked me to stay. The RN pulled me aside earlier in the day and told me she felt I had found my calling in L&D which was reassuring since that is what I had always wanted to do. She even said that she thought I should speak with the nurse manager and tell her that I would love to work in that unit upon graduation. So now I find myself filled with possibilities for the many places I could already be happy when I graduate.
It is so amazing to just do what you would want someone to do for you if you were in a certain situation and be willing to work hard and do anything you are asked to with competence and find that in every department you work in the staff is complimentary. It makes me feel like I am going to be able to find a job upon graduation unlike so many that do not.
2 more weeks and then a nice long summer. I need the break, but will miss the patient care.