Today was clinical day at a disabled children's home

Maybe I'm just tired from getting up at 5am, but I think it's more than that.

Today was our second clinical day.  Last Tuesday we went to a nursing home and I was assigned to the dementia/alzheimers area.  Our assignment for the day was to do orientation and to meet patients and to begin the process of establishing therapeutic communication.  I never felt comfortable although I did fine and by the time I left I couldn't wait to get out of there.  Even though it's a very nice place, to me it is a sad place and I knew deep inside that is not my calling.  I'll do my time there and do what I can to learn all I can and be as kind and loving as I can be, but I really don't look forward to it.  I don't know why I don't like it there, but I think it is because I hate that these people have lost almost everything.  They are near the end of their lives and even if they can remember anything, mostly they seem to not be very happy.  They can't bathe themselves, go to the bathroom without help, or even feed themselves in a lot of cases.  If there is anything left of their memory, they must be aware of their helplessness and that is soooo sad.  There were not many smiles, but the look of distrust of strangers.  I will do all I can do to give them the dignity they deserve and see if maybe I can reach a few of them and bring a smile, if only for a minute, because sadly, I probably  be forgotten quickly.

But today was very different.  We went to a home for disabled children and I had a pretty good idea of what we were going into.....or at least I thought I did.  There was no real fear of the facility, or even a fear of giving my first injections, just an aggravation initially about getting there late even though I had planned in 45 minutes of extra time in case of traffic which we unfortunately encountered.  Once we had drawn up our syringes with the proper amount of medication and were taken to the units to give the children their PPD's, I really felt fine.

My first child was a one year old and oh my goodness!  She was precious.  Her name is Laniya and she had a tracheotomy tube.  She was laying in her crib watching TV when we walked in.  I gave her the injection which, of course, made her cry, but it was so amazing to hold her and cuddle her and soothe her hurts away.  I have thought of her on and off all day wondering about what put her in this place and is this where she will live her whole life?

 I helped with a teenage boy who was pretty resistant to getting his injection by holding his arm but I realized just by talking with him and making eye contact I was able to have him respond to me and I felt I saw trust in him.  God bless him, I'm sure he will live in a place like this for his entire life.

There was a little girl in one of the rooms we went in who had recently been fed.  She was severely mentally handicapped and I heard her burp behind me...you know, the kind of wet burp that says, "The baby just spit up!"  I turn to her and went over and it was as natural to wipe her mouth with her bib as  it would have been to do it for my own child.

 The next child I gave an injection to was, again a young teenage boy I would guess by his size, but he was severely physically and mentally handicapped.  I approached his bed to confirm he was my patient and said hello.  He really couldn't communicate with me, but amazingly I noticed his sheets that were WWF (World Wrestling Federation)...I know this because I had boys, not because I ever watched that mess!  BUT, thank goodness I did know it because when I said to this boy how I loved his sheets and asked if he was a big wrestling fan, I didn't get much.  Then I noticed his pillow and asked him if he liked John Cena (I think I spelled that right) who was a big star in that sport and all of a sudden his entire face broke out in a smile.  It was as though the sun came out in his room in that moment and I knew I had made that connection.  I finished what I was doing and then we left him, but I know I carried that boy in my heart when I left his room today.

I really didn't think about it too much until Mrs Ruff (my instructor) asked me when we walked back what I want to do as a nurse when I graduate.  For so long I have wanted to do pediatrics but have tried to console myself that because of my age that opportunity may be behind me, but I told her the desire of my heart and she said, "I can see you there".  Just that simple statement meant so much to me because it is further confirmation that I am on the right path.  All day these words and the children's faces have been going through my mind and tears have flowed like rain because I know I can go to these children and bathe them, feed them, mop up spit or wipe their bottoms and it's fine because these children came into this world and through no fault of their own have to live this life.  They haven't learned unkindness and aren't angry or cynical like a lot of the people I met last week.  You can make a girl smile just by saying the name "Justin Bieber".

Both facilities we have worked are wonderful, clean places, but what makes one a chore and one a pleasure is me.  I have to learn to find the joy in giving to these older folks too because it's not about me.  It's about making a difference in whatever environment I am in at the time.  There is something I can learn from each person if I search for it and I'm grateful for the opportunity.

I'd better get back to the books.  Another test tomorrow and I've got to get to it..

We are in week 10

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've had time to get back here.  I've done a lot of things in my 51 years, but I have to say that this ranks up there with the hardest experiences in my life.  When I first started and I got to wear my scrubs to my first lab I was excited, confident and prepared and now I have gotten to the point where I almost dread Tuesdays.  They are long, and full of anxiety.  I have not doubted myself the way I do now in a long time, and I don't like it.  Most of us in the class are either ticked off or on the verge of tears all the time. It is just SO MUCH and the pressure of that stupid "80" just sits there like a buzzard constantly circling over it's prey.  Unfortunately we have all come to the realization that our straight A's have seen their end and now we just pray for anything over an 80.  We are losing people already, some are not that surprising, but one in particular has been a shock.  I guess it just goes to show that book smarts aren't all that you need to be successful.  This week we face a major test and our mid-term demonstration.  We have to score at least an 80% proficiency on that or we cannot go to the nursing home and this grade determines 45% of our final grade, so no pressure, you know????  I think I'm going to be okay, but I am so dizzy from this medication I am on that I hope I can hold it together.  Medication, you say?  Oh yeah, that's something you don't know about.  After my injections demonstration two weeks ago in which I was shaking like a leaf during, sweat rolling down my face because of hot flashes and stress and my BP shot up to 160/78, I determined that I am powerless against this stressor in my life and I went to the doctor and asked for meds to help me.  They have driven me to drugs now!!!!  I sure hope these suckers kick in before I have to do my demo on Tuesday.
If however I can score in the 90's for my test on Monday, I'll be half done with the testing for that class (I completed my Nur 100 class and passed that one by the way because I scored high on the last two test)  and if I can get through my demo on Tuesday, I'll feel pretty good about making it.  There are 6 weeks left to go and I'm still here as of right now.
Back to the books and another update will be forthcoming as soon as I can get around to it.  Wish me luck and better yet, pray for me!

Just finished week four

I am so mad at myself!  I am soooooo into this and loving the learning process.  I have great study habits and good test strategies, but I am making some really dumb errors.  I took my first drug dose calculations test yesterday and walked out of the room so happy.  I was smiling knowing I had totally aced the test.  Then I got home after volunteering in the ED last night, logged in to see my grade and, "OH MY GOD, how in the world did I get a 78?"  After reviewing it in my mind I thought, did I forget to do an entire page, so I write my teacher and guess what....I FORGOT TO DO AN ENTIRE FREAKING PAGE!  My dumb ass didn't look back over the test because I was so worried I was going to be tempted to change an answer that I just turned it in.  I have never done that before (and I'm sure I'll never do it again), but DAMN!  I pissed away the opportunity to get a 100!
It seems every time I have to do return demonstrations or when I have to show what I know, I do something to undermine my success and I am just so mad at myself.  I am a better student than this and I have way more potential than I am showing.
My question for myself is this, "Why am I letting the people who always told me that I wasn't smart win?"  I know better now.  Isn't it just awful how negative self talk can hurt you?  I have always believed that the only person who limits you is you.  If this is the case, why am I letting myself lose and win at the same time?  I have got to get a handle on this right now because there are no do overs.  One more dumb move like that and I could be out of it for good.  I think I may have to get some Xanax!

Nursing skills terror

Okay, so I studied my butt off all weekend and walked into class today feeling pretty good.  They broke us down in groups of two to do our Return Demonstrations on Temperature, Pulse and Respirations.  It's always a little disconcerting knowing someone is hanging on your every word to see if you are going to miss a critical element that will derail your progress through the program, but I felt pretty good.....UNTIL....I was put into a group with a girl who was not prepared.  She was nervous and I could find her pulse, but I couldn't keep it long enough to know for sure I could count it for a full 30 seconds.  I had two other girls listen too, and they both said while it had a regular rhythm, it was faint.  Well my little negative devil (sits on my left shoulder) kept telling me, "You are not going to be able to do this."  The angel on my right tried to keep me calm, but that little bastard on the left screamed so loud at me I paid him too much attention.  Next thing I know, my pulse is racing, I'm sweaty, my BP was up and with an hour til test time I had really revved myself up.  I went in to do the return Demo and passed it, but with one minor flaw.  Thank God the teachers gave me grace on this one, but I have got to learn some calming techniques so this does not happen again.  Next week is Apical Pulse and Blood pressure.  I think I can find both, but I just need to learn the steps.  Dumb ass me left my skills book in the classroom, so I hope it's there tomorrow.  Good God, what's next?  (probably shouldn't say that out loud)
Now on a positive note.  I feel like I am bonding overall with some of my classmates.  Not yet in "Best Friend" mode, but I feel a mutual respect building and I can tell I'm really going to need the support.
I'm looking forward to class tomorrow, to my volunteer night in the ER.  I've been away for the last two weeks and I've missed doing my thing.  I'm hoping maybe they will let me take some temps, do some BP's etc so that I can get some practice.  I'm hoping as well that I don't have to deal with the one nurse guaranteed to make me crazy.  Dear Lord, if you love me at all, please give me a good day and help the phone to ring with some business before we go broke.  Love you, Darlene....

Until the next entry, may I stay sane!  

I've been absent

School is progressing along.  I am a little overwhelmed right now because I have so much to do between now and Tuesday, but I think I can manage that.  One of the reasons I've been absent is we had Hurricane Irene and although we went away, we came back to a mess.  We've been home 5 days now, but things are still in turmoil around here.  I can't seem to catch up on the stuff I have to do for school because of all the stuff I have to do because of the Hurricane.  Somehow we will get through this but now we have another hurricane heading this way and we might have to evacuate by Thursday for that one.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself because overall we are fine, but it's just that you wonder sometimes, why can't we just catch a break.  Business is almost non-existent so far for this month and we just had the worst business month we have had in 14 years.  Please God, hear my cry and be faithful to meet our needs.  I'm scared right now and I need your comfort.  Sorry to sound so pitiful, but today is the day I am throwing myself a pity party.  I'll try to be over it by tomorrow.

3 days to go

I'm expecting to be able to open up my classes tomorrow so that I can figure print of things I will need, find out where my classes are etc, so I finished my book today and now I have realized I just HAVE to see the movie, and will go tomorrow.
 There is so much that has to be done tomorrow and Sunday though.  I have to clean and pack the camper since there will be no time to do that after school starts, grocery shop and prepare things to take with us, iron my clothes and pack them, and get some food in the house for Nathan to eat while we are gone.
Sunday night will be early to bed because the madness begins.  This is going to be a slow week though so it will give us time to work out the details of how to adjust our schedule .  We'll just have to deal with the fact there might not be extra money this week.  Tuition and books killed us this month, but things usually work out somehow so I am going to try to now be too stressed over it.  LOL....me, not getting stressed?  Hmmm...I'm thinking it's a good plan, but not too realistic.
It's 9:13 on a Friday night and all I can think about is sleep, so I think I'll give into that thought so that when morning arrives I'll be ready to tackle my chores.  Gosh, it's a bitch to be responsible.  I remember when 9:13 was when we were just starting to crank up...  Goodnight blogger world...

Last books arrived and I've got my car pass

Those were the last things I needed before school starts.  I guess Blackboard will open on Saturday and I'll be able to get the syllabus' from all my classes so I can start reading ahead and be ready for Monday.  In the meantime I started reading "The Help" which is my last "for fun" book I'll read for awhile.  Boy, do my emotions swing from high to low on this one.  One minute I'm laughing my butt off as I feel as though I'm eavesdropping on a conversation between Aibeleen and Minny and the next I am fighting mad at Mrs. Leefolt or Hilly.  Don saw me wiping tears and he said to me, "It's just a book," but I know better.  This may be fiction but it happened to so many and I am so ashamed and sad about that.  I grew up in a place where the "N" word is still widely used and I've said it myself...let's not pretend otherwise.  I'm 51 years old, raised in the south and so ashamed of that.  I can't justify it, but I've also called some illiterate white people "rednecks", been pissed off by Asians who can't drive worth a damn, and shook my head at the kids from the Jersey shore and called them, white trash.  Bottom line is there must be something in me that thinks I am smarter or somehow better than other people.  I doubt if I'm alone.  I'm sure there are those who look at me and think "fatty" or "grandma".  Maybe we are all made this way a little.  I hope so because then I'll know I'm not alone in my prejudices.  I can say, in my defense, that I fight each day to not allow myself to think these things and feel ashamed when I do. Maybe the best we can do is to keep trying.  

Volunteer night in the ER

It's nights like tonight that make me wonder how I will handle working for others.  Because I've been in business for myself for almost 14 years now, if I make a mistake, it's my mistake.  Made one this week and you just deal with it when and if it happens.  Thankfully, the mistake wasn't major although it was costly.  I showed up to deliver a lunch on Monday that was scheduled for Tuesday.  Of course I did a free lunch on Tuesday, but it was my fault, so....just had to do it.  The client made me feel good though because she said, "What happened?  You never mess up?"  Had to burst her bubble and tell her I'm only human.  LOL

Tonight, however, it seems that when I finally am able to get my RN license and begin working for someone else, there will be many who love to point the finger at you even when you do nothing wrong.  As a volunteer, I help housekeeping when they need it to more quickly turn rooms over in order to get the patients out of the waiting room and into the back to be seen.  I got a little surprise tonight when a call came up front to tell us that no one other than housekeeping should be cleaning rooms because one room that was told to be ready to fill had blood on the floor from a prior patient.  It has always been my personal policy that if urine, blood or feces are present in a room, I have not been trained to properly dispose of that material and I don't clean those room.  I'm not sure if she was covering her ass by using me as a scapegoat or not, but I can tell you this.  I never cleaned any rooms where blood was present.    I guess CYA is a skill set I am going to have to re-acquire should I ever decide to enter the work force for someone other than myself.

Other that that, the patients were good and the work was plentiful.  I didn't know a lot of the staff tonight again, so not as many friendly faces as I would like, but hopefully, one of these days everyone will know me and I'll feel like one of the gang rather than the, "Who the hell is that girl?" girl.  From here forward I have no idea what kind of schedule I'll be able to keep because of school.  I'll do what I feel comfortable doing and nothing more because my first priority other than my business and husband is school.

Hump day tomorrow!

7 days....

Called my dad today to catch up and let him know that if he doesn't hear from me the way he would hope to, it's just because I'm going to be busy.  He likes it best when I initiate contact although I think most people do.  It makes us feel more like the ones we are talking to really do want to talk to us.  There is nothing worse than calling someone and hearing detachment in their voice.  I actually had to have that conversation with him once when he said I never called him.  I asked him why I would want to call someone who tuned me out and said, uh, huh strategically while they watched TV.  (We don't seem to have that problem anymore...he got caught and he knew it.  LOL)  I just wanted him to know he wasn't being ignored intentionally so he feeling wouldn't be hurt.  I know that sounds strange from my previous post, but as I have grown up I just realize that people have limits as to what they can offer you.  Some relationships are worth it, others are not.  He's my dad and although he'll never be the "butterfly kisses" dad, he's the one God sent me.  He has not always been kind  but he has done some incredibly kind things that changed my life in profound ways.  It's the only way he knows to show he does care. It's so freeing to grow up and realize that!
So this week will be about winding up all the things I need to get done before the big day.  I thought I was going to see "The Help" tonight, but the people I was going with cancelled so I bought the book for less than the cost of a movie ticket.  When it comes out on DVD or comes out on HBO, I'll see it then.  That's what I am going to do now, so goodbye out there is blogging land !  <3.  Thanks for listening.

One week away from start date and scaring myself

Okay, 8 days away from my first day and driving myself crazy.  It's been a long journey to get to now, so in order for you to know me, let my tell you my back story.

As a child being raised by a mom who never graduated from high school, education was not one of the priorities of her life.  I was born in 1960 and at that time young women were attending high school, but many of my classmates chose to get married right away instead of pursuing a career outside the home.  I remember in elementary school doing spelling homework and math and things like that, but for the most part there was no structure in my home with regards to school work.  My grades, as a result were not that good.  Once I reached high school, it was even worse because it was harder to just listen in school and do alright.  You had to study and I never had.  To further worsen the situation, I had a father who never failed to let me know I was stupid.  In a kids mind when you are told you are stupid, then you are stupid.  Why even bother trying if you are stupid, right?  So when I got the grades of a stupid person, I wasn't all that surprised by it even though I should have been able to draw a correlation between the "not studying"....."bad grade" thing.
So when it was time to graduate, all I wanted to do was get out of school and find a husband who wouldn't treat me the way my dad did.  Well, that didn't go as planned either.  Two years later I married someone pretty much like him who, himself, was very smart and seemed to enjoy making me feel bad about myself.

In spite of that, and because I was a hard worker, I found that whenever I put my mind into doing something I would do it very well.  Little by little my confidence grew and even though I got nothing at home, I gave what I had to my work and in volunteer positions where I would receive praise.  After the birth of my first son in 1981, I began to teach others Lamaze and would go to the hospital and labor with them until their baby was born.  This gave me such joy and the doctors and nurses at the hospital would all tell me what a gift I had to work with their patients.  They were the first people to tell me I had the heart of a nurse.  I felt they were right, but there was one thing standing in my way....school.  I was too stupid to be able to get through college, so I couldn't see myself ever achieving that goal.

Fast forward to 1993.  The birth of my fourth son as the catalyst that pushed me.  Three hours after his seemingly normal birth he was on life support and going down fast!  The first two-three weeks of his life were a nightmare no mother should ever have to live through, but as I stayed with him for hours and hours in intensive care, I was told again and again by the staff that I would make an excellent nurse, but put them off because my same fears that had plagued me for years continued to follow and haunt me.  It was not until months later when we were asked to appear on the Children's Miracle Network telethon and I was watching the programming that my heart took a turn.  They told the story of Joanna, a little girl who had that same look of death about her that my Nathan had, who took my fear away.  Joanna was not as lucky as my son...she died.  Not because she didn't have parents who loved her and were there for her the way I was for my son, but because she was so sick her body just couldn't take it.  There were, however, many babies who never had a mommy by their side to hold them, to touch them, to wash the ultrasound goo out of their hair after a brain scan, to help keep them fighting when their little bodies were tired of fighting any more.

My decision was made that day.  My fears meant less to me than all those babies who needed me and I enrolled in community college the next week.  Do you know the most amazing thing I learned?  I wasn't stupid after all.  I had determined that no matter what I had to do, grades were going to be a priority and of course my children as well.  My first semester, I got all A's and my confidence began to grow although I had no support system at home and my husband made it as hard as he possibly could on me to succeed.  That just made me dig my heels in deeper.  I could do this and when I did it was my way out of a horrible marriage because I would be able to support my children.

I hit a detour in January of 1996 when it became obvious that my marriage could not last any longer.  School had to go on the back burner.  I had children, ages, 14, 11, 6, and 2 who needed the stability of a mom to put their world back together, and I thought I would be able to get back to it quickly but that just didn't happen.  I remarried in May of 1998, started a business in September of 1998 and although I knew there was an unfinished chapter in my life, I had to finish the mom thing before I could take on anything else.  Two years ago, I knew that my youngest was almost out of high school and it would be a good time to go back.  I had to re-take some of my prerequisite classes because of the time that had gone by, but it felt so good to be back.

Fast forward to today.  My youngest son graduated in June and now here I am about to embark on something that I am told is very difficult at best.  I have a plan though.  My plan is to find at least 4 hours a day to study, although some days I will have more time.  I still have to run my business, so I will now get up at 4:00am in order to do 2 and 1/2 hours of work before I leave for school.  I will go to school from 8:00am- 2:00pm on Mon, Tues and Wed.  If I can be home and at my desk by 5:00pm on school days, then I can study until 9:00 pm and then sleep from 9:00pm- 4:00am the next morning.  Thursday and Fridays will be normal work days from 7:00am until we are done.  I will try to be at my desk on those days by 5pm as well, although I plan to only study on Thursday's until 9:00pm so that I can watch "Grey's Anatomy" and "Private Practice".  This will be my treat!  Weekends will have more study time in preparation for the week ahead since I will have this time without work.  My plan is to try to give myself somewhere between 30-35 hours a week to study and just hope this will be enough.

All these questions rumble through my brain....can I handle this schedule?  Can my husband handle the extra load he is going to have to carry with me not being as present as I normally am.   (We work together, you see?)  Can he handle the extra responsibilities around the house because I won't have the time to pitch in like I normally do?  Can we still generate enough income to survive and pay the additional expenses of my schooling?  I sure hope the answer to these questions is yes, but I guess one day at a time will be how we will have to play this out.  It's only two years with breaks in between and when you are 51, two years is a flash.  I dread it and welcome it because I have wanted this for so long.  Dear God, don't make me sorry that I got what I prayed for!